20060706 :::
 

060706 Vespers

You ever have one of those days where you realize that life has passed you by? That happened today. Big time. Saw an old schoolmate of mine—one I hadn’t seen in 20 years—who’s teaching in a nice small liberal arts college in Los Angeles. He was visiting in this neck of the woods to celebrate his parents’ golden anniversary. We met up with another classmate who’s returned to our alma mater—the NC School of the Arts--& he’s teaching film editing there after working with Spike Lee on a bunch of films. What am I doing? Could I give them all the details of my humdrum existence & comfortable but unchallenging life? No. I lied. Because I’m doing nothing. I’m nowhere. And most of the time, I’m comfortable with it, but today, with these 2 talented individuals, surrounded by talented students at our old school, I felt old & useless (although guess I’ll have to start on that book that they think I’m working on…that should keep me busy). Thinking back over the last few years, besides raising 2 wonderful kids (& I had lots of help from their mom with that), my main accomplishment has been CCD. That may wind up being the most significant thing I’ve been involved with during this whole period. While I am proud of that, that really doesn’t totally make up for my inertia on everything else. You see, I am talented. I have talent. Really. Truly. Too many people have said that for it to be in doubt, so I know it to be true, but I’ve never really, truly lived up to my potential, never really used that God given talent. Because I’m too comfortable. I don’t really like my job, but I’ve lived with it because it (somewhat) pays the bills, gives me someplace to go most days, & requires, honestly, a minimum of effort (the last few weeks I’ve been able to listen to podcasts & work on Sudoku puzzles while receiving a paycheck). That’s probably why the boss’s wife has no respect for me; I’ve been willing to settle for something less challenging than of what I’m capable. Or not challenging at all. Surrounded by others who’ve made the same deal, I don’t notice as much, but when confronted with these from the past, who’ve done something with their lives, it’s a stark difference.

I played hooky today so that I could visit with my friends. Told my boss I was sick. Could try the old “mental health” day excuse, but the truth is, I need to be gone from there. As in, gone for good. I’ll stick out the month because the next couple of weeks will be crazy for him, but soon (please God), I’ll find something better & be gone. A few years ago, I remember a fellow RCIAer finding a novena for job placement on the web; will have to google for that. I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours for the 1st time since Lent last night, & it made me realize how empty I’ve been. Prayed the rosary for the 1st time in months, too. Guess it’s been a bit of a time of spiritual bankruptcy, as well. I’m tired of lying to people about how well I’m doing, just to feel good about myself. If I really & truly felt good about myself, I would be able to tell others exactly what I did.

It’s funny: this posting was supposed to is about seeing the Stanley Cup at the ballpark last night, & having my picture taken with it. Well, I saw the Cup. Had my picture taken with it. Stood in line for over an hour. An older man asked me afterward, “Was it worth it?’

Met this young dancer today, just moved down from Erie, Pennsylvania. Her father, a radiologist, relocated her family down here where, unbeknownst to her, there was one of the best dance schools in the country. She was outside one of the dance studios where my old buddy Lea was showing me around. She was bright, articulate, talented, & really both inspired me & made me regret some choices of the past few decades. She is so motivated that even though they have no place for her in the academic part of the high school, she’ll be home schooled so she can attend the dance classes (she must be good if NCSA is willing to cut a deal like that). While much has changed around the old place, the studios are still the same. Walking around, viewing the familiar surroundings & raw talent brought back a tsunami of unexpected feelings & emotions. I felt alive again. I miss the stimulation, the excitement, of being around talented individuals. I really didn’t understand or appreciate it at the time, but do now. Talking with this young dancer made me wish that I could enroll now.

Met my friend Paul’s wife & daughter for the first time today. His daughter, Edie, was a delight: she seemed to be having tons of fun (until she got tired; she’s just 6). His wife, on the other hand, a Philadelphian (& almost a stereotype of one) was depressing, seemed ill at ease, & didn’t seem to enjoy anything we did today. We had a wonderful dinner at a tavern that predated our country’s independence, visited a lovely historical area, saw many wonderful things at our old school, including talented singers, musicians, dancers, & film students. She hardly cracked a smile. Paul’s parents are so ebullient & interesting, but she didn’t seem interested in seeing them, either (Paul’s dad used to be the conductor of the symphony orchestra there). Occasionally, whilst contemplating the greater mysteries of life, I miss being married. Honestly. In the future, I must remember Paul’s wife, her ennui, her detachment, & what it must be like to live with her, & hopefully that empty feeling will pass. They do sort of bear the truth to that old chestnut of opposites attracting, as Paul is one of the friendliest, most optimistic people I’ve ever known. He’s invited me to visit him in LA; I must take him up on it. I told him of my desire to visit 2 locations there in La-la Land: Dodger Stadium at Chevez Ravine, & Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral.

Artemis is away at camp this week; Achilles is coming over later. Achilles is to help me clean up & occupy our dog when the broadband installer comes over tomorrow morning. After years of dial-up, I’ve finally given in. Our dog will tear the genitalia off of any unknown male who enters this residence, so Achilles will have to occupy her in the morning hours, as the installer is due to be here from a range between 7.30-10. That’s a potentially long time for a walk, but he’s been known to take longer ones (especially when he has the cell phone with him), & at least it will be the cool part of the day. Just hope it’s not raining.

Paul told me of a fellow classmate of ours, a fellow named Clayton. He was acting major, back in the day. Well, Clayton waited tables & wrote scripts for about 25 years, & now it’s finally started to pay off, as he now visits Hollywood every couple of months to see his agent & gets to see Paul. It helps that he married an investment bank, & they live in apparently sumptuous digs in Shanghai, but hell, I’ve got a pretty good arrangement too, compared with most people I know. All my debts are small potatoes compared to most my age. And I may not live in Shanghai, but I’m perfectly happy right where I am, in my less than luxurious little cottage. Time to start writing.

We’ll be heading down to Mom’s for the weekend, to help her celebrate her birthday. Artemis finishes her camp on Saturday morning, so we’ll head down after she returns. Was hoping to catch the World Cup final on Sunday, but may have to just tape it instead. Taped both games this week & watched them after work. Truthfully, it was hard not to nod off, but at least I was awake at the end for both.

Achilles & I attended the July 4th parade 2 days ago; it was a real scorcher that day, weather wise. We saw Joey Cheek again—our Olympian. It was our 2nd time seeing him, as he spoke at Achilles’ 5th grade graduation. The parade featured cars, coffins that looked like cars (ironically, one died just in front of where we were standing), 2 of our city’s 3 congressmen (aren’t we lucky?), &, just behind the trash trucks, anti-war protesters. It turned out that not only did Achilles know one of them, but also I had met one a week ago at the shop—a local girl home from college in Hawaii for the summer. Achilles’ chums were schoolmates. Met his friend Jessica there: he claims she’s a lesbian, but I don’t believe it (not that there’s anything wrong with it). She was very nice, very sweet, & seemed genuinely pleased to see him at the festival. We were eating a large fried onion when she arrived, & man was it good. Achilles & I really had the opportunity for the 1st time in a while to just hang out, chat & catch up. We looked at the new condos going up downtown, & he said he’d like to live there, as that was his favorite part of town (which I didn’t know). He knew about some changes that had been made there in the last year that I didn’t know about. We both miss Artemis, but it was nice to have just this time to ourselves.

A most eventful day. Hopefully, a pivotal one, too.

::: at 22:59

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