20030417 :::
 

It is now Holy Week. This accounts for the lack of entries, as most of the week has been given over to praying & fasting, as I am welcomed as a novitiate at the Easter Vigil. This has been a trying week in many respects, & with the trial period nearly over, I find both a sense of sadness & indecision creeping in. It has been so hard to maintain my enthusiasm over the past few weeks: I just feel tired nearly all the time. Not just tired almost bone weary. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m cut out for this way of life, or whether it’s just my old life trying one last, desperate stand at survival. At any rate, I hope this inertia passes.

Some things are better: I no longer feel as cut off from my fellow Homo sapiens as before. I still feel lonely sometimes, but not totally separated, as once was the case. My prayer life is much more consistent, & makes me more balanced as an individual, as this constant contact with God keeps me on a more even keel. I have many more blessings now than even a year ago at this time. This is probably just self rebelling, as I know that God wants me on this path. If I can just get out of the way & accede to His wishes, things should proceed, as they should.

Still having trouble adjusting to the fasting. I had the worst headache yesterday! I missed compline because of it. While matched up with Our Lord’s sufferings, it does seem trite indeed. It is, however, not as easy as I thought it would be. I will be glad for Saturday (& not just because I can again eat). During his 40 days in the desert, I know that the Lord was tempted in all sorts of ways; our spiritual director told us that we would all have some Lenten crisis. My zeal, unfortunately, has been diminished, but it is still there, so there is hope. We are told that after the Vigil we will be new creatures. I, for one, am glad of it.

::: at 12:58

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