20030529 :::
 

ASCENTION DAY

Today is Ascension Day, the day that Our Lord ascended into Heaven. My spiritual life is beginning to turn around, although I am still suffering from a prolonged bout of accedia that seems unwilling to let go. I feel myself getting stronger spirtually, so hopefully I can defeat this malaise in the end.

Had dinner with Father Frank, my confessor, 2 nights ago. it was the 1st time I had dined with him. We had chicken. He was quite the conversationalist, & he seemed more comfortable talking of temporal than spiritual matters. We did discuss briefly some spiritual concerns, but mostly we talked about families & growing up & other pleasant topics. It was a most pleasant dinner.

::: at 19:48

20030522 :::
 

Both the Liturgy of the Hours & the Rosary have been keeping me close to the path all this week. Since Easter, I have found it so easy to stray; perhaps with the end of Easter in one week & the beginning of Ordinary Time, I will find it easier to be more faithful. Hope so, anyway.

It has been dreary & cold all week, but don't know if the weather is parallelling my sprituality. We're still working on Genesis at Tuesday compline. Our spiritual director, Jim, will be stepping down & Matthew--who has the most seniority--will be taking over the session, perhaps temporarily, perhaps not.

We were discussing the call of Abram & how it relates to the calling that we all receive. Abram too forgot or neglected the call; Abram too had to be reassured repeatedly by God; Abram had an understanding of the big picture, but painful little understanding of the smaller one. Since he is the father of so many...Jews, Arabs, & Christians...this is important for us to understand. His struggles with his calling mirror our own. Guess that God no more followed Abram's schedule than He does mine.

::: at 19:54

20030517 :::
 

Last Day in 4th Easter Week

Once again, I find myself troubled by doubts of various kinds. I never thought that the spiritual life would be easy, but it seems like I am fighting both other forces & myself. This Sunday marked the first sabbath since my conversion that I had not gone to Mass, & it was out of shear sloth. I have also been failing to meet all of the Liturgy of the Hours, although I usually get a couple of the times done.

I have been extremely lethargic this week, needing 10 or more hours of sleep a night. I have not been able to maintain my normal routine as a result, & my life has suffered: my confidence is shaken, old fears & doubts creep back in, & my temper & nerves are frayed. I must try, in these last weeks of Easter, to try & turn things around again.

My sprititual director, Jim, told us this week that he will no longer be leading compline study & needs one of us to assume the mantle, as he must deal with the current group of initiates. While I want to take this on, I am afraid it will fail without Jim. I do not see any way that I could adequately replace him. I must pray on this, but perhaps someone who is qualified will emerge & all this worry will be for naught.

I start to worry, as I feel the distance from God again. Other things...daily things, material things...emerge to try & crowd him out. I am not immune to such concerns. Not everyone is happy with this path I have chosen & sometimes, regretfully, neither I am. I must focus on what is eternal, remembering that the temporary will be gone from my thoughts in days, weeks, months, or certainly years. This is sometimes hard to remember.

I can see myself as a new creature in Christ; I can also see the old one trying to reassert itself.

::: at 19:14

20030502 :::
 

Quid est ergo deus meus? quid, rogo, nisi dominus deus? quis enim dominus praeter dominum? aut quis deus praeter deum nostrum? summe, optime, potentissime, omnipotentissime, misericordissime et iustissime, secretissime et praesentissime, pulcherrime et fortissime,stabilis et inconprehensibilis, inmutabilis, mutans omnia, numquam novus, numquam vetus, innovans omnia; in vetustatem perducens superboset nesciunt; semper agens, semper quietus, colligens et non egens, portans et implens et protegens, creans et nutriens, perficiens, quaerens, cum nihil desit tibi. amas nec aestuas, zelas et securus es; paenitet te et non doles, irasceris et tranquillus es, opera mutasnec mutas consilium; recipis quod invenis et numquam amisisti; numquaminops et gaudes lucris, numquam avarus et usuras exigis. supererogaturtibi, ut debeas, et quis habet quicquam non tuum? reddens debita nullidebens, donans debita nihil perdens. et quid diximus, deus meus, vita mea, dulcedo mea sancta, aut quid dicit aliquis, cum de te dicit? et vae tacentibus de te, quoniam loquaces muti sunt.

Quis mihi dabit adquiescere in te? quis dabit mihi, ut venias in cor meum et inebries illud, ut obliviscar mala mea et unum bonum meum amplectar, te? quid mihi es? miserere, ut loquar. quid tibi sum ipse, ut amari te iubeas a me et, nisi faciam, irascaris mihi et mineris ingentes miserias? parvane ipsa est, si non amem te? ei mihi! dic mihi per miserationes tuas, domine deus meus, quid sis mihi. dic animae meae: salus tua ego sum. sic dic, ut audiam. ecce aures cordis mei ante te, domine; aperi eas et dic animae meae: salus tua ego sum. curram post vocem hanc et adprehendam te. noli abscondere a me faciem tuam: moriar, ne moriar, ut eam videam. Angusta est domus animae meae, quo venias ad eam: dilatetur abs te. ruinosa est: refice eam. habet quae offendant oculos tuos: fateor et scio. sed quis mundabit eam? aut cui alteri praeter te clamabo: ab occultis meis munda me, domine, et ab alienis parce servo tuo? credo, propter quod et loquor. domine, tu scis. nonne tibi prolocutus sum adversum me delicta mea, deus meus, et tu dimisisti inpietatem cordis mei? non iudicio contendotecum, qui veritas es; et ego nolo fallere me ipsum, ne mentiatur iniquitas mea sibi. non ergo iudicio contendo tecum, quia, si iniquitates observaveris, domine, domine, quis sustinebit?

::: at 15:05