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Last Day in 4th Easter Week

Once again, I find myself troubled by doubts of various kinds. I never thought that the spiritual life would be easy, but it seems like I am fighting both other forces & myself. This Sunday marked the first sabbath since my conversion that I had not gone to Mass, & it was out of shear sloth. I have also been failing to meet all of the Liturgy of the Hours, although I usually get a couple of the times done.

I have been extremely lethargic this week, needing 10 or more hours of sleep a night. I have not been able to maintain my normal routine as a result, & my life has suffered: my confidence is shaken, old fears & doubts creep back in, & my temper & nerves are frayed. I must try, in these last weeks of Easter, to try & turn things around again.

My sprititual director, Jim, told us this week that he will no longer be leading compline study & needs one of us to assume the mantle, as he must deal with the current group of initiates. While I want to take this on, I am afraid it will fail without Jim. I do not see any way that I could adequately replace him. I must pray on this, but perhaps someone who is qualified will emerge & all this worry will be for naught.

I start to worry, as I feel the distance from God again. Other things...daily things, material things...emerge to try & crowd him out. I am not immune to such concerns. Not everyone is happy with this path I have chosen & sometimes, regretfully, neither I am. I must focus on what is eternal, remembering that the temporary will be gone from my thoughts in days, weeks, months, or certainly years. This is sometimes hard to remember.

I can see myself as a new creature in Christ; I can also see the old one trying to reassert itself.

::: at 19:14

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